


Don't look away, please.

by 3BeesAndCoffee3



Series: Bad Things [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has Scars, But he has cuts from Hydra Agents, But not self harm, Cuts, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Kinda?, Knife Cuts, M/M, Name-Calling, Names Carved Into skin, Past Abuse, Scarring, Scars, Steve is trying, Steve kinda sucks, Wounds, but then he doesn't, idk how to tag this im sorry, no self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-09 21:24:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16457492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3BeesAndCoffee3/pseuds/3BeesAndCoffee3
Summary: PLEASE HEAD THE TAGS EVEN THOUGH ITS POORLY TAGGED.Steve loves having Bucky back, but god, he can't stomach the scars coating his skin, the sin and the hurt physically etched into Bucky forever.Or: Bucky is covered in scars from when he was with Hydra and Steve isn't handling it well.





	Don't look away, please.

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags!

Steve thinks that when it comes down to it, Bucky’s fried brain, his memory full of holes where his life should be, his fear and uncertainty, none of that is the most haunting thing about having him back. He can stay calm and collected as he sits on the couch besides Bucky and explains the missing bits and pieces to a once clear and precious memory. He can talk Bucky through basic living without breaking a sweat. He can help him bathe, make sure he eats. He holds Bucky through nightmares and holds his hair back when the food is all too much and he ends up emptying his stomach contests into the toilet. All of that feels like nothing, he doesn’t bat an eye. Those are things he signed up for without a second thought, but seeing the scars coating Bucky’s body isn’t. 

His skin looks like a sketchbook. His back is a myriad of cuts and slices, now puffy and pink. There are normal scars, like the ones Steve carries, from recklessness, or a particularly rough fight, but that’s not what bothers Steve. Not at all. What makes his stomach twist and his eyes try and look away, ignore it, is the collection of words and symbols scattering his body. 

There are stars, lots of them, usually with ‘hydra’ scratched in besides it, or underneath. There are other things too, bits of Russian that Steve doesn’t know and doesn’t want to. There are words that make Steve boil with rage and simultaneously deflate. There’s ‘slut’, ‘soldier’, ‘asset’, ‘toy’, and Bucky’s name, at the base of his neck. His real name. His arms are much the same, but they got creative and playful there, maybe because they knew he could see it, maybe because they just didn’t care, but there are long, deep cuts there, scarred thick. There’s names, but Steve doesn’t recognize them right away and he can’t get himself to look into them. There’s more demeaning words and also Steve’s name.

Steve never says anything, tries to never touch them. They neatly stop at his neck, though his chest wasn’t spared. Bucky never says anything either, and Steve doesn’t know if that means Bucky’s used to it, or if he’s too concerned with what Steve might think. If Steve wasn’t such a coward, he would ask Bucky, he wouldn’t tiptoe away from it all and ignore it, but he is a coward, and he isn’t sure he can stomach an answer. 

When Bucky takes to sharing a bed with Steve, he keeps a shirt on. Bucky never used to, but Steve tries to chop it up to modesty, or trying to have control again. He says nothing and he doesn’t bother him about it. He tells himself he says nothing for Bucky’s sake, but that’s a lie. 

Steve catches Bucky running a finger along a pattern carved into his arm one day, his eyes focused on it fully. Steve pretends not to notice. 

One day, Steve’s reading on the couch and Bucky comes out from the shower, steam rolling into the hall. There’s a towel in his hair and one around his waist, but he’s otherwise naked. Steve can’t take his eyes off of him, he can’t stop staring in horror. There’s so many. It’s so much, and Bucky had to sit through the cutting, the scabbing, scarring- Steve is too coward to even look at him, or even touch him. Bucky looks at him, confused, before he looks down at himself. Bucky turns and locks himself in his room before Steve can choke a word out. 

There’s a lot of uncomfortable meals and bedtimes after that. They don’t talk about it, Bucky hardly talks at all. Steve hates himself for it all. 

It’s been a week and Steve still can’t think of what he could possibly say to make this better. Bucky beats him to it, when he walks up to Steve, who’s cooking up some eggs. “Steve?”

Steve glances at Bucky and forces a smile. “Yeah, Buck?”

“Can we talk?” Bucky asks, leaning into the counter. He watches Steve’s hands, instead of his face. 

“Of course,” Steve says, but he doesn’t want to, not really. “What’s up?”

There’s a moment of silence, but Steve doesn’t look away from his food. “Does it make you uncomfortable?”

Steve tastes his own panic in his throat. His chest feels pinched up. He feigns mock confusion, and says, “does what?”

Bucky sighs, pulls a stool up to the bar he’s leaning into. He pushes some of Steve’s spices out of the way. “The- the scars?” Bucky says, and he sounds so unsure it makes Steve wish he wasn’t such a bad person. He wishes. 

He put all this doubt in Bucky’s head that’s already so full of confusion and worry. “No,” Steve says, but it’s too quick and even Steve thinks it sounds fake, like a piloted answer. 

“Steve,” Bucky starts, reaching out for him. Steve makes sure not to pull away, and he finally looks at Bucky again, because he deserves Steve’s attention. Bucky’s face is full of hurt. “Please?”

Steve doesn’t need to ask what he means. He just wants Steve’s honesty, Steve’s attention. That’s nothing, and Steve couldn’t even give him that?

“Okay.”

“It bothers you,” Bucky says, and it’s torn between sounding like a question and like common knowledge. 

“It’s not-“

“It does,” Bucky says firmly and Steve sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose and turning off the stove. He turns to face Bucky, and Bucky raises an eyebrow at him. 

“No- it just-“

“What?” Bucky says, and it’s only a little snappy. Steve wouldn’t blame him if he grabbed him and started shaking him. “I’m talking to you, Steve, you have to talk to me too.”

“You’re right,” Steve agrees. Maybe he’s the one that should be attending weekly therapy sessions. “You’re right.”

“So, it bothers you,” Bucky says again, pressing. 

“It- yeah, they do, but it’s not-“ Steve takes a deep breath. “They bother me because it’s just- it’s another reminder of what they did to you.”

“I have plenty of those already, Stevie.”

“But these, they’re on...”

“What?” Bucky says, and he quirks a smile, even. “They’re visible? They’re all over my skin?”

“Yeah,” Steve says, honestly. 

“It bothers you because you have to see them everyday, it’s a constant reminder for you, but it doesn’t bother me because I have a million mental reminders I deal with everyday already, Steve.”

Steve swallows. God, he’s selfish. 

“So, frankly, I’m tired of wearing long sleeve when it’s eighty degrees out, just to spare your feelings,” Bucky says, and he looks like he might pass out from being so stern, but Steve’s just in awe and drowning in guilt and so much respect. “So, fucking man up and deal with it. It isn’t even on your body, it’s on mine, and I’m not crying over it. It’s bothering you more than me, and that’s making it bother me, so stop.”

Steve smiles weakly and nods. “No, you’re right.”

“I know I am,” Bucky snarks. 

“I’m sorry, Buck.”

Bucky looks down at the table finally and shrugs. “It’s fine. Can we just- can we eat? No one eats that much egg alone.”

Steve smiles and looks at the pan. He hadn’t been cooking for one anyways. “Yeah, I can spare some.”


End file.
